We're Home

Okay, I know I have to blog. I know there are people out there waiting for our news, and I need to document this so some happier day I can look back on this and think, "Heavenly Father had something else in mind for us." I 'm going to cry the whole time I'm typing, so I hope I can see through my tears.

Michael and I left for Ukraine very, very early Saturday morning and got back to SLC last night (Tuesday) at 9:00 p.m. Over the last four days, we've spent a total of 72 hours either in airports, airplanes, or vehicles. Both of us are physically tired and emotionally drained.

Natasha and Vladimir met us at the airport Sunday afternoon in Boryspil just outside of Kiev. We got in Vladimir's car (which had a big dent on the side from an accident the day before while he was driving the Kellers around) and traveled at break-neck speed for 3 1/2 hours to Kremenchuk. We talked to Natasha the whole time about all the different scenarios that might unfold once we arrived at the grandpa's house. Vladimir had searched out Nikolai's address (the grandfather), and when we got to the area, it was dark outside. Nobody had porch lights, and there were no street lights. The neighborhood was a ghetto, one of the worst I've seen during my sheltered life. Vladimir and Natasha got out of the car, and Natasha told us, "Don't get out of the car. This is a very bad neighborhood."

After a while, we heard voices and a rather loud conversation. (People get excited here when they talk; it doesn't mean they're angry.) Natasha came back and got us, and we walked up to the front door of the house. An elderly gentleman and a woman invited us in. This house gave new meaning to the word "shanty." Natasha interpreted; introductions were made. The elderly gentleman was Nikolai, Bogdan's step-grandfather, and the woman was Svetta, Bogdan's mother. There was another man there, but he was not introduced. We assume it was Svetta's boyfriend. Bogdan was not there; he was at the orphanage.

We all stood in the front room, which was about ten feet by fifteen feet; there was nowhere to sit down. The floor was cement, and the temperature inside was the same as outside.

I genuinely liked Nikolai and Svetta. There was no doubt in our minds that Svetta truly was Bogdan's mother. There was a strong resemblance to Bogdan, especially through the eyes. Michael and I were pretty quiet at first. We let Svetta do the talking. Her eyes immediately welled up with tears, and she cried as she talked. She told us she went into prison 5 1/2 years ago; Bogdan was six at the time; she was young and made mistakes; she was released from prison last November and had to get an apartment and a job before she could start paperwork to reinstate her parental rights; the process is well underway; she has been visiting Bogdan on Sundays for about a month.

She said Bogdan has told her about us, that he loves us very much, he had fun at our house, but now that she's back, he wants to be with her. She said he had decided to quit replying to our letters. She kept saying, "I am the mother," putting her hands over her heart. "I am the mother."

By this time Michael and I were both crying. We knew we could not ask Bogdan to choose between us and his mother. He chose us over his grandfather, but we knew that the love for his mother was strong, regardless of what his childhood was like. Svetta said Bogdan told her he has good memories of her and remembers being doted on by her.

I told Svetta that we were not there to break up their family; we had traveled halfway around the world to find out what Bogdan wanted and to see if he was all right. We told her we love Bogdan like our own son, we were glad he would have his own family now with his mother, that we hoped she would be able to take him out of the orphanage soon. Michael and I both had a hard time controlling our emotions.

I asked if we could be allowed to see Bogdan to tell him good-bye. She hesitated and said no, that it would be torture for Bogdan to tell us good-bye, that it would open up sad emotions for him. I had to agree with her. I knew it would be very painful to force Bogdan to tell us good-bye. Bogdan has told us in his letters (before his mother reappeared) that he cries often thinking of us. I didn't want to make it even more difficult by creating a memory in his mind of our good-bye scene.

We gave Svetta a picture album of Bogdan's visit to SLC and pictures of other families with their adopted children from Ukraine. We showed her our own children and told her a little about each one of them and the relationship they had with Bogdan. We gave Nikolai a blanket, which was a good choice on our part considering the temperature of his home. We gave Svetta a Utah Jazz shirt to give to Bogdan. She promised me she would take it to him the next day. I then hugged Svetta and Nikolai. Nikolai kissed me on the cheek and wished us a happy life and a safe journey home. He thanked us for wanting to bless the life of an orphan.

I gave the gifts Amy Arnold sent for her children. Svetta told me she would take them to the orphanage also. (Amy, your gift for Anya is with Natasha. We didn't get to see Anya.)

We took pictures and a short clip on our camera, and we were gone. We drove three and a half hours back to Kiev, and fell into bed about one a.m. It was the longest day of our lives.

The next day we got to see the Kellers, which was the ray of sun in our trip. It was nice to know they truly could say, "We know how you feel." We ate two meals with them (not all at once), shopped, saw a church, and visited and laughed in their apartment. It was nice to know I still knew how to laugh. If nothing ever comes of this journey by way of a child, Michael and I are so grateful we got to meet and know so many great and marvelous people. We love being with our fellow adoption families, and we hope the relationship will continue on even after the Ukraine trips are over.

We left at 3:00 a.m. Tuesday morning to catch our plane back home. We never did see the sun shining during our one day we were there. It rained/drizzled/snowed the whole time.

We don't know what is ahead for us. We both feel like we need a break from thinking about it, but we are finding that hard to do. If anybody out there has been in our shoes, we would welcome your suggestions. Maybe adoption is not in the plan for us. I guess time will tell.