The five of us -- Michael, I, Marissa, Quinn, and Alex -- are on vacation in Anaheim, California, but, alas, I forgot my camera cord to download pictures into the laptop. I'll have to do that when we get back home and post our fun pictures. Yes, even after seven months, we are still having some post-adoption issues. Here is my diagnosis of the problem. Feel free to comment. We tell Alex we're going to Disneyland for vacation this summer. We tell him how fun it's going to be. We do a little assignment in "Mom" school about Walt Disney and what a creative genius he is. We look on a map to see where we'll be driving and how long it will take. We talk about the fun rides and tell him it's way better than Lagoon, etc. etc. etc.
Fast forward to Day 1 in Disneyland. There is unhappiness, ungratefulness, poutiness, feel-sorry-for yourself periods, etc. The problem continues the second day at church and the next day at California Adventures. We are all getting really tired of it, I give him a huge lecture, he pulls out of it, and the rest of the vacation has been fun.
So what is going on in his head? Have we built Disneyland and family vacation up so big in his mind that the reality, when compared to the anticipation of how it will be, is always disappointing? I have decided in the future that we will not talk beforehand about fun things coming up. We can never live up to his expectations, I suppose.
The next fun thing coming up? Eric is coming home to visit and be here for Marissa's wedding. Alex has not yet met Eric. (Eric is in the Air Force and has been in Guam and Iraq for the last year and a half.) We can tell from things Alex has said that Eric has become, in Alex's mind, this "larger than life" member of our family. He talks about how Eric is going to play with him, Eric will do fun things with him, so on, so on. Oh, dear. I don't really think this is how it will be, and we're heading for some more melt-downs. But just the same, we really are SOOOO excited to see Eric a week from today (on Gage's birthday).
Anyway, just wanted to comment for my "adoptive friends" that the big, fun days always seem to be the worst days for Alex. I hope we can get by this issue in the future.
Yesterday we went to Disneyland again, and today we spent several hours at the beach playing in the sand and water, and things have gone a lot more smoothly. This is our last vacation with Marissa as a single woman. She said good-bye to Zack for ten days to spend time with us. Nice, huh? I'm trying not to think too much about how boring vacations will be without her and how boring our house is going to be now. Not quite ready to let my mind go there.
Gage, Emily, and Zack are home KEEPING OUR LAWN GREEN AND OUR FLOWERS WATERED. We have a wedding reception coming up, and I'm starting to feel stressed out but at the same time trying to enjoy the ride.
Well, we're going to Disneyland one more time tomorrow, and then we'll be on our way to Las Vegas tomorrow night, then home on Friday, one day early. We're kind of Disneylanded out. Anybody interested in our last unused day of Disneyland tickets?
Oh my. I think you might have hit the problem on the head? These kids although not having personally experienced many of these things have seen every American movie out there. Maybe he didn't realize there would be long lines, hot weather, Mom & Dad NOT buying every overpriced trinket and treat?
ReplyDeleteI started along time ago not giving too many details to Alex. It seems he was just always disappointed or wanted to KNOW EXACTLY how things were going to go. It's better not to have him reminding me that I said we'd leave at five and now it's six, or he'll be disgruntled because I said I'd take him to the store and we never made it. When he asks I say "We'll see" or "Probably" Which he has learned is more likely a yes but not a for sure?
Just think...when you get home they'll go to school!!! And you will get a break! A chance to miss your kids and a chance to go to lunch with your friends!! (Hint, hint!)
I feel like the big events are often the most disappointing for all of us. Birthdays, holidays, vacations. It would help if these children were a little subtle or tolerant but their body language speaks VOLUMES doesn't it?
Oh, and my hear hurts for you with Marissa marrying. Of course you want her to and you're happy for her but your sad for you? I know I am with Kambree. She moves out Monday. Sigh.
Hang in there my friend. Travel safe and keep the ibuprofen handy!
I usually don't tell Isabel about big events until a couple days beforehand, whether they are positives or negatives. Either way, it's the unknown. Now that she's been to Disneyland with us twice now, she knows what to expect and really enjoys it. Even then, I try to help her realize that each trip will be different.
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested in your tickets, except we don't have time to get over there before they'd expire!
You made some good points. I think sensory overload and over-expectation is not uncommon with these kids. It seems to take years to work out, so the idea of not saying anything in the first place is an excellent idea. It's almost like the idea or concept gets in their brain and causes short-circuiting!Have a safe trip home.
ReplyDeleteWith our kids we finally realized they had never done anything as a family and some of it is that they never learned how to enjoy something. We started pointing out the fun things about our activities and it's helped them a bit. Plus any change and our kids still get afraid and then they can only think of the things that worry them. Heat, lines, no food etc. and they find they are miserable (part of why we point out the fun and good stuff, even point out that they are having fun). Still not super grateful, something they never learned either and we are always asking them to say thank you to people or for things.
ReplyDeleteGlad things started to get better at the end! Hope it was a safe and happy ride home : )