Uncle Dave

Uncle Dave, Dad's older brother, passed away last week from pancreatic cancer. He was 89 years old. These pictures were taken at the cemetary on Saturday, July 18. I didn't know my Uncle Dave very well, but funerals in the family always cause me to reflect on my own mortality and that of my parents.
It was nice to see family members I hadn't seen for a long time.
Mom, Brett, Elaine

Mirm, Wig, Mom, Dad, Elaine, Susan, Nancy

Dave's family

Miriam, Joan, Sherry, Moroni
Dave was a WWII veteran. His son was presented the American flag.

A beautiful view from the cemetary.

Joan, Dad

Dad, Nancy, Susan

Susan, Lori, Nancy

4th of July

We made our customary trip to Logan for the 3rd and 4th of July. Here Janet, Carlie, and Parker gaze intently at a girls' magazine.

Marissa and Gage playing on the "toys" while awaiting the fireworks.

Grandma, Grandpa, Amy, and Corey.

Quinn and Brian going for a ride in the new Jeep.

Lori suffering from jet lag. Will I be able to stay awake for the firewords? No!

Marissa and Parker.

After Brian and Gage set off a string of fireworks that lasted two minutes, Brayden kept his hands on his ears the remainder of the evening!

Parker, Molly, and Amy.

Laughing and joking while waiting for the show to begin.

Carlie, Quinn, Marissa, Michael, and Nancy.

We're Home

With great sadness last Wednesday, we called Oksana and asked her to stop all work on our adoption of Ruslan. I think she knew it might be coming. Things were good the first few days with Ruslan but quickly started to unravel on Sunday evening, and every passing day the problems seemed to increase and the pit in my stomach got bigger. I know that's very vague, but I have resolved to spare everyone the details. The bottom line is that the relationship between us and Ruslan never developed. Michael hung on a little longer than I did and kept trying to be a cheerleader, but on Wednesday, even he acknowledged that with court looming two days away, we had to call it quits. Oksana had worked miracles in getting such an early court date, but it ended up being a two-edged sword because it forced us into making a decision really fast. We found out after we arrived in Ukraine that the court in Dnipro would be closed for two weeks beginning June 29, and it put everything for us on a fast track.

I want to make it clear here that I think Ruslan has potential. He's smart, handsome, coordinated, and we're told he's healthy. Although the dynamics with our family didn't work out, we're very hopeful that when he's hosted this fall, it will work great for another family.

We met with Ruslan Thursday to tell him good-bye. Michael did an A+ job of explaining and trying to teach some things to him. He listened and didn't shed any tears, although Michael had to stop to gain his composure. After Ruslan left the room, Michael and I both broke down into sobs. We were told by the Bensons that Ruslan came out of the room, went outside, and started playing with the other kids as if nothing happened. They also saw him extensively later that day, and he seemed to be happy as a clam. He was hanging out with Oksana and Lena most of the day. This was really good to hear. The last thing we ever wanted was to harm that little boy further. He will always be in our thoughts and prayers.

So we have spent the last 14 months hoping to bring an orphan from Ukraine into our family. We suffered the painful loss of Bogdan, and now our second trip to Ukraine is etched into our minds. If we have any words of advice, it is that the hosting program works much better than blind adoption. Blind adoption is a little like going to Vegas, only you need to put all your money on the table even before you leave home. It's difficult to build a relationship and make eternal decisions after a few short days with someone, especially in a foreign country and within the walls of an orphanage. I applaud those that have been successful at it.

I want to take my hat off to Michael, who traveled with me every step of the way on this journey, and we give our sincere thanks to Drew and Jen Benson. Jen and I shed tears together as this story played out, and Drew gave us some great words of advice and was our electronics coach while in Ukraine. (Most electronics stop working when we touch them.) Also the Lobos clan always had kind words for us. Thanks to all of you who emotionally supported us by your kind words on the blog, and thanks to our own children, our parents, and our brothers and sisters for your support.

We have certainly learned to appreciate this country, with all of its problems, and are glad to be home.

Monday was spent with Elena in trains, cars, and subways. We had to return to the SDA in Kiev to get our official paperwork to see Ruslan. The weather here is getting very hot, and it was sort of a miserable day walking around Kiev. It was a lot of traveling and sitting to sign our names a couple times, but everything went okay. We traveled back with Oleg and Oksana in their car. We stopped and ate dinner at 11:30 p.m. in Kremenchuk, which of course made us start to wonder and think about Bogdan. He is most likely at summer camp right now and wouldn't have been at the orphanage anyway.

Yesterday (Tuesday) started out rough and ended up pretty good. Ruslan was pouting again. In fact, he disappeared, and we didn't bother to try to find him. We went and played with water balloons with a group of other kids. In fact, we felt so bad about the way things were going, we were about ready to walk away from it all and told Lena so. Eventually we were able to sit down with Ruslan and Oksana and had a real heart-to-heart talk. We are trying to understand a little bit about what Ruslan is feeling, and we also explained to him a few things about how a family works. Ruslan has lost his family twice, in a way. His mother lost her rights, but he still had hope because she would visit him occasionally. Then we understand she became more interested in her boyfriend than Ruslan, and the visiting had stopped even before she died. Then Ruslan's aunt started to visit him and told him she would take him out of the orphanage, so he again had hope of a family. Then she had a baby and said she didn't have room for him, so he again lost hope. He has tried to run away a couple times. He has said he very much wants a family. We understand these children just don't know where they fit in or how to act. Anyway, after the talk, things got back to where they were the first two days, and he spent the rest of the day with us.

I wanted to tell of a heart-breaking scene yesterday. We walked into the T.V. room, and Zhenia, the other little boy we considered, was standing looking out the window with his back to the room. He was just sobbing. We walked over to him, and Lena asked him what was wrong. He said one of the older boys had hit him. He was just standing there looking out the window and sobbing. He had no one to go to who would make it better, no one to go confront the older boy, no one to hug and kiss him and tell him everything would be okay. We patted him on the back and gave him a squeeze, but how can that fix a broken heart? I thought about him all day. I know he is coming to Utah in the fall. I hope and pray he will be able to find a family. He's going to grow up to be the football or soccer hero of some high school somewhere. We can just tell it.

I know there are bullies here. I'm hearing more and more about the meanness that can go on with some of the older kids, even some of the girls. Being here is kind of emotionally draining.

The culture of Ukraine is so different. You can't get someone to smile if your life depended on it. You walk down the streets, your eyes meet someone else's eyes, you give them a smile, and they look at you with a deadpan expression. I'm telling you deadpan. It's as if they were dead inside. We asked Lena about this, and she said, "Why would you smile if you're not happy?"

We walk everywhere with the Bensons, to the orphanage, the grocery store, the park. We carry tons of bottled water with us because you can't drink the water here because of Chernobyl. The water has chemicals and is radioactive, they say. The LDS missionaries also warned us about it. We get stared down everywhere we go, and we hear people saying "Americans." Sometimes they laugh. I guess our tennis shoes are funny? The women here, especially in Kiev, dress like they're going to a cocktail party instead of work: high heels, fancy dresses, make-up, hair done. There are a lot of beautiful, thin women here. We understand people looking for models come here to find them. We read that eighty percent of the men smoke here, and we believe it. EVERYBODY is smoking nonstop. We see kids who look like they're ten smoking. There is trash everywhere, and nobody cares. I haven't seen a garbage truck yet. A woman goes through the dumpster here and separates out the plastic and cans and burns the rest.

It gets light here at about 3:30 a.m., which makes for difficult sleeping. It's strange. You hear the crows start to caw, look at your watch, and it's 4:00 a.m. Aaaaahh!

Well, it's time to walk to the orphanage. We're slowly getting this city all figured out. There are no street signs at the intersections, and every street looks the same: old apartment buildings that look about 600 years old and trash everywhere. Sorry, but that's what it looks like to me.

But the countryside between here and Kiev is absolutely beautiful, and we enjoyed the train ride in the daytime on Monday.

Off for another emotional roller coaster ride.

Fathers' Day/Quinn's Birthday

I woke up Sunday morning really looking forward to church. We got to the orphanage to get Ruslan changed into the clothes we brought, and he was nowhere to be found. All the children were helping us look for him. After about ten minutes, he appeared through the side entry of the grounds. He had gone to the store. Michael had given him some change yesterday, and I guess he wanted to buy some candy. Several of the children and a teacher were all trying to speak to him at once as if to say, "Where have you been? Your parents have been waiting for you?" I think he was embarrassed. Michael quickly helped him get changed. (He wanted to also give him a bath and scrub him, but that will have to wait.) We drove with Constantine and Lena to Dniproprotrosk, the nearest LDS church, about 30 minutes away. The Bensons went in a separate car with George, Nadia's husband. This picture is the door going into church. Doesn't Ruslan look spiffy?
When we walked in, there were eight cute, white-shirted elders and two sister missionaries, the majority from good old Utah. I wanted to hug them all. We felt so welcome, and I think they were so glad to have us there. They are such good young people and are doing such a good work. It was so nice to take the sacrament. Ruslan sat nice and reverently during Sacrament Meeting, but the second it was over, he was out of there! He was waiting for us in the hall while we visited with the elders. I'm sure it's difficult for these kids. We've heard from others that it takes a long time for them to start to like church. Any comments anyone?

After Sacrament Meeting we ate there in the city before heading back to Dniprodzerzhink. We dropped Ruslan off at the orphanage and told him we'd come back later. (We had our Sunday clothes on.) Everything was fine. When we came back later, he had transformed into someone we didn't know. Pout, pout, pout. He was mad about something, and we still don't know why. He wouldn't come to us, wouldn't talk to us. I know many of you adoptive parents out there have experienced this over and over, so I know this was to be expected. I was very discouraged, and then on top of that, I called home to wish Quinn a happy birthday and started crying as soon as I heard his voice, and then Quinn started crying. (Oh, do I miss my kids.) I looked up, and there were twenty children and adults staring at me watching me cry. Jen and Alex were trying to comfort me, and I felt really stupid that I couldn't control my emotions better. Anyway, it wasn't the greatest of days, and I hope today is better. Quinn, I hope you had a very happy birthday. We're going to do it all over again as soon as we get home. Dad, I tried to call you. I love you. Thanks for being a great dad.

Well, that's it for now. Lena is on her way to pick us up for the notary.

Day 3 and 4 at the Orphanage

Yesterday we ate lunch in the orphanage cafeteria. Before the children could come in and eat, an assigned group of children had to set the tables and put the food on the plates. Our own children were not allowed to sit at our table; they had to sit with the children. The food was good: soup, potatoes, beets, bread.

Here is a group of orphans. It amazes me how good these kids are to each other. It really brings tears to your eyes. If one has a bag of goodies or candy they received, they have no problem with sharing with the others. Some of the boys have on bandanas they made with the volunteers. Ruslan is in the yellow. He's standing next to Vlados. Vlados doesn't know anything about his dad; his mother lives in Moscow.

This is out of order, but here is our night train ride. Michael and I have to do this again Monday morning and back again (hopefully) Monday night.

This is us with the director, Nadia, a very gracious lady.

Today we got to take Ruslan out of the orphanage. Lena did some lengthy negotiating with the teacher, and we got permission to keep him until 5:00 p.m. We walked with the Bensons to get pizza. This kid can eat, I tell you. Three large slices of pizza, some soda, and ice cream. I don't know where he put it. Food is cheap here. A pizza, two salads, and three drinks cost $8. Then we walked to a park, and Ruslan led the way. He knows this city pretty well. We practiced naming the colors and counting money. We did some math. Ruslan said, "Math, no problem." As we walked back to the orphanage, he walked along the top of every wall he could. He loves to climb. He later climbed a tree so high, I was really nervous. We had to do a little parenting today. He threw his wrappers on the ground, and we made him go back and get them and throw them away. We explained to him that in America, we try really hard to keep our neighborhoods and cities clean and that he should start practicing now. He understood and was obedient. On the way home, he wanted a doughnut. We said no. We haven't had any pouting yet.

Day 2 at the Orphanage

Today we were armed with a day's worth of entertainment for the kids. I had a grocery sack full to the brim with flash cards, easy reader books, Uno, Barrel of Monkeys, movies, math games, etc. I also stuffed my purse with candy we brought with us from Costco. Wow, it was a success. And may I say that Ruslan is one smart cookie. He knew his English alphabet, and we started working on the sounds the letters make. He picks up fast. We also worked on the English names for colors. I was relieved to discover he has a really good attention span. Here is his reward, a Russian animated movie we brought with us.

The next two pictures were taken in the main administration building. The walls are colorfully painted with enchanting scenes.

The Loboses, the Bensons, and the Lawrence families got to take their kids and go to a restaurant for lunch. We had to have special permission from the director. Nadia, the director, has her heart in the right place. I think she would like to see every one of the kids find homes.

The Barrel of Monkeys was a hit. Here are Ruslan, Dema, and Tawnya playing. Notice the Tootsie Roll Ruslan has. We had to get stern with him. He was nonstop begging for more candy, but once we got a little stern, he stopped. Tawnya spent a couple hours with us. What a sweet girl.

Ruslan and Sasha. We were allowed to play ping pong. They had to unlock the door for us.

More children at the orphanage.

And more.

And another. So many of them come up and touch you and tell you their names. This little girl came up and wrapped her arms around Michael's legs and told him her name.

There were games going on in this room. Twenty volunteers from The States are here for a few weeks doing games, crafts, etc. with the children. The Young Man in the black and white is a volunteer from Arizona.

This is where Ruslan sleeps with lots and lots of other boys.

I couldn't help but take a picture of Ruslan's shoes today. He was embarrassed, but I wanted my own children to appreciate their shoes. The whole side of his shoe has ripped apart. I don't know how he kept them on as he walked.

This is Zhenia. We considered adopting this little guy, but it just didn't feel right at this time. He's looking for a home.

It is heart-breaking to see these children. They are dirty and ragged for the most part. I started giving candy away out of my purse, and I got swarmed until it was all gone. I wish I could take them all and find homes for them.

Before we left today, we sat down with our fantastic interpreter, Elena, and asked Ruslan if he wanted to be part of our family. We told him that being part of a family was a great thing, but it comes with lots of responsibility--family chores, responsibility, hard work, being kind, helping each other, doing homework. He said "dah" to everything. Of course, he already knew what was going on. Why else would we be learning the alphabet? But now it is official, and we are moving forward.

A word of explanation: Since we were not here to see Ruslan but Zhenia this time, we have to travel back to Kiev for another SDA appointment and start with the paperwork for Ruslan. We are hoping that will happen Monday. It looks like another train ride.